Erin Callaway, CT
Today, Thursday, Nov. 21, 2013, is
Children’s Grief Awareness Day, a day of observance created by the Highmark
Caring Foundation in Pennsylvania to remind adults that children of all ages,
everywhere, face loss every day.
The tragic deaths this year of three beloved kids in my
community—Aliza Jean Herrick Stutzman, Dacano Arno, and Ella Belle Hope Dulac—underscore
this sad reality. They also serve to remind us how much grieving children need
our support.
One way
adults can support grieving children is simply to listen intently, without
judging or questioning. All of us, especially grieving kids, need to be heard.
Children
aren’t likely to pull up a chair and talk about their feelings. If they are
really young, they might not even know what “grief” means. But if we give them
permission to share their feelings on other occasions, we let them know that
it’s okay to share the wide range of feelings they may have when someone dies.
The key
is to let kids express grief in their own way, on their own terms, and in their
own time frame. The challenge for caregivers is that children are likely to
experience strong feelings when we least expect them to, like in the middle of
a game. Conversely, they may carry on happily, playing outside during visiting
hours at the funeral home.
My good
friend Cynthia, who brought her therapy dog Barkley to Ella’s elementary school
to help the children there, experienced first hand the way kids faced with loss
often behave.
No
sooner had the children settled into the library, where Barkley and Cynthia
were waiting for them, when a little girl snuggled up to Cynthia and announced
some very exciting news.
“I
learned how to tie my shoes!” she said, clearly delighted by her
accomplishment. Cynthia looked at the girl and asked when she had learned her
wonderful new skill.
“This
week,” the girl beamed.
Cynthia
thanked her for sharing, and asked if she had anything more to say. She didn’t.
During the rest of the visit, the kids talked about how they help take care of
their own pets and what a dog’s ear looks like when it’s infected. Barkley and
Cynthia led a parade through the library.
I asked
Cynthia if any of the kids had mentioned Ella’s death. Her answer, after a pause:
“No. Not one.”
We both
knew that was perfectly okay.
The
little girl learned what it feels like to have someone listen when you have
something important to say. When she has a feeling about Ella, she will know
that it’s okay to share that, too.
More
children than you can imagine are dealing with loss right now, and need someone
to listen. According to the Children’s Grief Awareness Day website, one in 20
children will experience the death of a parent before they graduate from high
school. Others will see grandparents, siblings, friends, beloved teachers,
pets, and other important people in their lives die. Many more children will
experience loss when Mom and Dad get divorced, a military parent is deployed,
the family moves to a new city, or a special stuffed animal burns in a house
fire.
As
adults, we have the simple but critical job of remembering that kids don’t
necessarily wear their grief on their sleeves. Whether a child needs to cry
about a classmate’s death or spout glee over a success like tying her shoes,
it’s important that we listen, and let her know that sharing feelings is okay.
That’s the best support you can give any child.
Having
a Barkley by your side doesn’t hurt either.
Certified in Thanatology by the Association of Death Education
and Counseling (ADEC), Erin Callaway helped to create Evergreen: The Pine Tree
Hospice Center for Grieving Children and Adults in Dover-Foxcroft, ME. She is the
author of “Let’s Stick Pencils Up Our Noses,” a 24-page children’s book about
grief for ages 4-8, published by Four Square Press of Swampscott, Mass.
